However, I think I've reach one of those moments where I just have to let it out... so as to let it go so I can move on in some fashion.
I'm tired of being told how awesome I am, when I can't find a way to help my kid...
I'm tired of being told how lucky my kid is to have me, when I can't find a way to beat this...
I'm also tired of telling people it's really I who is lucky...
I'm tired of being the center of everyone's world, when my world feels like at any given moment it's going to come crashing down around us all...
I'm tired of being gutted every time I get my hopes up...
I'm tired of questioning my faith for getting my hopes up in the first place...
I'm weary, weak and worried what tomorrow will bring.... and I'm tired of that too... as it's totally unproductive. What a waste of energy... better spent elsewhere.
I'm more tired of those around me that don't have a clue...
I'm more disgusted however with the ones who try to pretend they do... (and they clearly do not!)
I'm tired of the end of the day coming faster then I can plan for... and all I planned to do isn't done and I just want to crawl into bed, wake up and it's all some twisted, convoluted, horribly bad dream...
I wake, and my teenager is fighting with me over getting a learners permit in May, not hoping we have a new power chair he can fit in by then... and a way to transport him in it.
He is playing football or some other sport that I would be cheering him on at, rather then cringing each time he hits his head or spine on a step, seat, or such because he is so vulnerable... which simply sucks...
Yet, when he walks in the door in a few hours... this will all fade away... and what I'm tired of will diminish w/one flash of his smile, and be forgotten with his hug... not that it doesn't return from time to time... however I'm thinking the more I can allow it to be acknowledged quickly, and get rid of that emotional weight... it will fade more expeditiously and dare I wish for it to never return... because quite frankly I am soooooo very tired of being tired.
I'm sure he is even more then I, so who am I to be complaining...
I just wanted you to know that I hear you and I know how you feel (well , except for the part about people telling me how great I am. I don't know how that feels). Right now I am just taking Jacob from doctor to doctor to doctor trying to find someone who can help. I can't help him and now it looks like I can't prevent his school from kicking him out. I am tired of always fighting. I love to read your posts and your ramblings so I don't feel like the only person who is tired of being tired. BTW-- you are awesome to me but I won't tell you that.
ReplyDeleteWish I was there for a real cup of tea Marlene! I can't get over how often those who should get it - just don't!! I get it dear...just wish we both did not have to. Love ya!!
ReplyDeleteWell all need to whine, complain, kick, and scream. It's totally cool to lose your shit on occasion. You've earned that right a million times over.
ReplyDeleteThank you Ladies... (((((All)))))
ReplyDeleteHeather, anything I can do to help???
Today's update... another seizure... back to the ratio drawing board tonight... :( Wish me luck! <3 yas!!
Oh Marlene~ you are such a giver! Thank you and I am sure you would be able to whip this district into shape but I think you have your hands full right now. If they won't budge I might have to call you for some advice.
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