17 days...

How can so much time go by... and yet while everything has changed it seems as if nothing has...
As if it's just a really long torturous dream... with a sprinkle of reality so you know you haven't completely and utterly lost your mind.

I read through the whole concept of stages of grief... perhaps one can't grieve for so much all at one time so denial sounds like a good town to camp in a while...

So much to say... express... or just sit and let it all sink in and go/do what it needs to elsewhere...

I'm astonished at the cycles my mind can go through in a day now... wish I could just *not* think for a while...

So blessed by those around me that the thought of that sets me off on a whole other level of emotions as well...

Bear with me... as I know "normal" will never reside here again... that's been long gone... but just looking for that calm, and ...  well in search of Me.. the who I am going to be now...  how do I pick myself up and move on, forward after this one.

Happy New Year :) (I know you think I'm late...)

I think a New Year can, and should begin at any time we choose, I always did because as a whole I think so many of us get all swept up in the New Year/Resolutions etc... then as soon as its newness wears off... Resolutions not kept etc... the "New" year gets rolled into the year, or this year... until the next "New" Year comes around...per se.  Why do we have to wait 300+ days to mark a New Year...  I choose to make a conscious decision to mark a New Year at the moment in time I am "timestamping" past-done, future-begins.

I say Happy New Year, as this past year I think has been one of the most trying, yet blessed years of my life... not that I always felt as so, and at any given moment could be caught off thinking... what I wouldn't give for a true "do-over"

I apprehensively tip-toed into January... holding my breathe... as the date came closer and closer to the 21st... the swell of emotions were on most days incapacitating.  I couldn't wait for the 21st to pass... then the 27th... silly I suppose as really passing them didn't erase the seemingly irrevocable effect they had on our lives last year.

It seemed to feel like they had to pass in order for it to be "wiped away", and a New Year begin... or such.. so I say HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Hold on tight... looking forward to this new year and all it will bring... and glad to be able to put the days that impacted Franki's life so profoundly behind us as you will.... praying that next year January will be just another month w/no trauma attached to just making it through and past the days.

I don't ever wish to move through time again like this... so again I say Happy New Year!!
Welcoming the Freedom to begin again....

Wow.. been a while since I called for a Tea Party... :)

Over a Month!  Only goes to show how fast time goes by... and not to be confused as a Pity Party... as that is truly not what I'm looking for...ever... just rambling/venting in my usual blather.

So many emotions surface at times you just wish you could tell them all to... fly off, yeah fly, we'll keep it clean...

Some days are such an emotional roller coaster you just want to puke so as to stop the ride...
I've done alot of working on the whole not letting the people/issues etc around you, become you, or your mood etc.  Cut the emotional and energy suckers from my inner-circle so as to not drain me... but I have a question...

How the hell are you suppose to not allow, or be unhappy, or completely drowned when there are certain things that HELLO no matter what you do, change etc you cannot put a positive spin on it, you cannot no matter how hard you're trying... solve it, and no matter how much you focus on the dream it just feels like some one like Joker is out there laughing hyaena-ishly as he dashes those dreams to shreds in one blink... with obviously no true life Batman to broil his lame-laughing ass for you.

Don't get me wrong, I will still always seek the positive, will always look for solutions, will always help whenever I can... it's just who I am, intermixed with that though I will also continue to distance myself from what/who etc that have historically/habitually drained me as I have become more set in who I am, and still need to be.  I do not wish to be used as a Welcome Mat when those wish to walk over me come a calling to just continue to take, and take... kinda like vultures however <Newsflash> I'm not a carcass yet so they can just fly off too ;)

So.. with all that in mind... (and so much more truly)

How do you put a happy face, when your child is still suffering... in your arms... and there isn't a damn thing you can do for them or to fix it... (previous post True Tea Post ~ The Beast better known as Seizures.... tries to answer that but somedays it just doesn't feel as such)
How do you handle politely, w/out hurting anyone when your child is being crushed by undue and unnecessary responsibility...
How do you delicately handle positively w/out alienating anyone that there are appropriate times to be selfish, and other times it's more appropriate to be selfless...
How do you prepare for the worst, while moving through the day believing in the best...
I read somewhere and it's so very true... the hardest tear to wipe away are the hidden ones...
Maybe that is the solution, to cry... just cry...
How do you do that when you're not a crier...
How do you continue to help others when you feel so flying, (still keepin it clean!) helpless...

Again, don't get me wrong, I'm not having a war or question of Faith here, I do *know* how to, and I do cling, (sometimes with the very thread of what's left in me) to Him however, I'd be lying to say I still want to know at times...  HOW DO YOU... I know He'll answer in some fashion and I will go Ahhh yes I needed that again... but it's in those moments before the AH HA moment comes... and even then... I still has the lingering questions above "unanswered" if you will... but with a renewed strength in moving through the unknown more clearly... if that makes sense at all...

Sometimes words are just that... and you cannot figure out how to put to words the feelings welling up inside you so violently you feel like your drowning from within...

I would like to be more open... but at the same time being open becomes a number of things...
Being honest that you have fear... eh that I can handle since we all know I am fearless LOL ok seriously, I'm no stranger to fears but to admitting precisely what those fears are... whole other ballgame buddy!  I firmly believe in not verbally "putting it out there" the whole what you talk about you bring about thing... yet know somethings are necessary to talk about as a reality not to be confused here.
Being vulnerable... HA there's a beast all of its own...
Being weak... Ok who the hell typed that... :p
Being honest... I've discovered all too many can't handle the truth, and those that say they can, either don't want to hear it, or even after hearing it still refuse to acknowledge it.. I get that too it's not an easy task
See where this is going...  vicious circles...

Think it's simply just time to become a square perhaps...  so much for Midnight Ramblings...

Tomorrow is the dawn of a new day... and here's to all the above being washed away by His Mercies in the Morning... I'm going to try to rest and Let Him take care of what obviously I cannot... <sigh>