Over a Month! Only goes to show how fast time goes by... and not to be confused as a Pity Party... as that is truly not what I'm looking for...ever... just rambling/venting in my usual blather.
So many emotions surface at times you just wish you could tell them all to... fly off, yeah fly, we'll keep it clean...
Some days are such an emotional roller coaster you just want to puke so as to stop the ride...
I've done alot of working on the whole not letting the people/issues etc around you, become you, or your mood etc. Cut the emotional and energy suckers from my inner-circle so as to not drain me... but I have a question...
How the hell are you suppose to not allow, or be unhappy, or completely drowned when there are certain things that HELLO no matter what you do, change etc you cannot put a positive spin on it, you cannot no matter how hard you're trying... solve it, and no matter how much you focus on the dream it just feels like some one like Joker is out there laughing hyaena-ishly as he dashes those dreams to shreds in one blink... with obviously no true life Batman to broil his lame-laughing ass for you.
Don't get me wrong, I will still always seek the positive, will always look for solutions, will always help whenever I can... it's just who I am, intermixed with that though I will also continue to distance myself from what/who etc that have historically/habitually drained me as I have become more set in who I am, and still need to be. I do not wish to be used as a Welcome Mat when those wish to walk over me come a calling to just continue to take, and take... kinda like vultures however <Newsflash> I'm not a carcass yet so they can just fly off too ;)
So.. with all that in mind... (and so much more truly)
How do you put a happy face, when your child is still suffering... in your arms... and there isn't a damn thing you can do for them or to fix it... (previous post True Tea Post ~ The Beast better known as Seizures.... tries to answer that but somedays it just doesn't feel as such)
How do you handle politely, w/out hurting anyone when your child is being crushed by undue and unnecessary responsibility...
How do you delicately handle positively w/out alienating anyone that there are appropriate times to be selfish, and other times it's more appropriate to be selfless...
How do you prepare for the worst, while moving through the day believing in the best...
I read somewhere and it's so very true... the hardest tear to wipe away are the hidden ones...
Maybe that is the solution, to cry... just cry...
How do you do that when you're not a crier...
How do you continue to help others when you feel so flying, (still keepin it clean!) helpless...
Again, don't get me wrong, I'm not having a war or question of Faith here, I do *know* how to, and I do cling, (sometimes with the very thread of what's left in me) to Him however, I'd be lying to say I still want to know at times... HOW DO YOU... I know He'll answer in some fashion and I will go Ahhh yes I needed that again... but it's in those moments before the AH HA moment comes... and even then... I still has the lingering questions above "unanswered" if you will... but with a renewed strength in moving through the unknown more clearly... if that makes sense at all...
Sometimes words are just that... and you cannot figure out how to put to words the feelings welling up inside you so violently you feel like your drowning from within...
I would like to be more open... but at the same time being open becomes a number of things...
Being honest that you have fear... eh that I can handle since we all know I am fearless LOL ok seriously, I'm no stranger to fears but to admitting precisely what those fears are... whole other ballgame buddy! I firmly believe in not verbally "putting it out there" the whole what you talk about you bring about thing... yet know somethings are necessary to talk about as a reality not to be confused here.
Being vulnerable... HA there's a beast all of its own...
Being weak... Ok who the hell typed that... :p
Being honest... I've discovered all too many can't handle the truth, and those that say they can, either don't want to hear it, or even after hearing it still refuse to acknowledge it.. I get that too it's not an easy task
See where this is going... vicious circles...
Think it's simply just time to become a square perhaps... so much for Midnight Ramblings...
Tomorrow is the dawn of a new day... and here's to all the above being washed away by His Mercies in the Morning... I'm going to try to rest and Let Him take care of what obviously I cannot... <sigh>
Wow you can tell we really are going through such similar situations. I know I dont even post on my blog much of the time about all the emotional things we go through...most because of the not wanting others to actually see how I am feeling. I have always been one to lock my feelings inside. I am greatful to have a great group of ladies that know what I go through, and to be able to just say it without having to constantly have others either ask, or not know what to say. Sometimes I feel like if you let it out too much, then you either alienate people or get too much. I know I just want to feel "normal"...and want my kids to be able to just go through the "normal" stuff too. Thanks for sharing your blog with me and letting me know I am not alone.
ReplyDelete((((Colleen))))) never alone... Love ya!!
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